Quadrumvirate
by aechfic
Summary: Friends, allies... lovers? A collection of drabbles - in no particular order - featuring LuZoUsoSan; spoilers up to and including current events; rated T to M. Warnings for language/sex.
1. Early Morning Quagmire

"-AKE UP, ZORO-KUN, WAKE UP, OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

While the swordsman's capable of napping through a lot of racket and commotion, from the turbulence of raging storms to his younger crewmates playing boisterous games of tag on deck, continued slumber is virtually impossible with Usopp's terror-stricken voice screeching in his ear as the sniper shakes him awake with enough force to bang his skull repeatedly against the floor.

"ZORO-KUN~!"

"Ow, ow, shit, WILL YOU STOP THAT?"

"-IN THE BATHROOM- IT'S HORRIBLE!" Comes the wailed reply, loud enough to momentarily rouse Luffy where he's still sprawled on the couch beside them. The captain peers groggily over the cushion's edge at them through half-lidded eyes, voices a sleep-roughened complaint that it's way too early in the morning but they should go right ahead without him if they're not still too worn out from the night before, and rolls over, dragging the blanket back over his head.

Zoro valiantly resists the urge to punch him in the bare ass-cheek that's peeking from beneath the fabric and staggers upright with a frizzy-haired, boxer-clad Usopp clinging around his neck and gibbering like a scandalized koala.

"Now what the hell's going on?"

"There's something in the bathroom!" The long-nosed pirate hisses, still hanging onto him with a death-grip but sounding slightly less panicked now that he's aware he's receiving his older nakama's full attention.

"What, somebody forgot to flush again?" Zoro snorts, and tries not to laugh when a fist smacks him on the shoulder.

"NO. Some THING." Usopp's voice drops conspiratorially low. "Merry's been boarded- by the living dead!"

"Zombies?" The swordsman asks incredulously, raising an eyebrow. "You sure you weren't just sleep-walking or something, seeing shit that's not there?"

"NO, I was wide awa-"

"-and it wasn't just the damn cook? He sure looks like a fucking zombie sometimes, when he first-"

"-says the same thing about you," the sniper mutters sulkily. "NO, I'm not seeing things and it wasn't Sanji-kun either! THERE'S A ZOMBIE IN THE BATHROOM!"

"Okay, okay, quit bitching and give me a second..."

"What are you doing? Your sword's over there!"

"I'm not fighting the living dead with my dick swinging around in the breeze-" Zoro snaps back as he struggles into his trousers, nearly overbalancing when Usopp hooks both legs around his waist to avoid being dumped to the floor. "-and I'm not getting zombie slime all over Wado either."

"But if you get bit- we'll have to keep you chained to the mast because Luffy won't get rid of you even if you're trying to eat the crew!"

"I will not, and besides, I don't-"

"Zoro does too," protests a faint mumble from the couch. "He bit Sanji last night, and Sanji's mad 'cause it left a mark. I heard him when he got up for watch."

"... shut up, Sencho."

Usopp snickers.

xxx

Ten minutes later, two pale-faced and slightly wide-eyed Straw Hats scramble back into the men's quarters and slam the trapdoor shut behind them, nearly falling down the ladder in their haste to get safely inside.

"That-" Zoro pants as he steps off the last rung, "-has gotta be the fucking scariest thing I ever saw in my entire goddamn life."

"I TOLD you!"

Luffy peers out from beneath his blanket and does a double-take at the sight of the brilliant red palm-mark staining his swordsman's cheek. "ZORO GOT SLAPPED BY A ZOMBIE?"

"It wasn't a zombie," the older pirate growls, glaring at Usopp. "If dip-shit here hadn't sent me charging in there-"

"It's not my fault! She had that green stuff smeared all over her face and-!"

The sniper's plea of innocence is interrupted by the aperture overhead crashing open violently enough to rattle the lantern hanging from the ceiling.

"OI, SHITTY MARIMO, HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY LOVELY NAMI-SAN'S MORNING ABLUTIONS!"


	2. Sniper's Romance

Seated cross-legged by his outdoor workstation on the upper decks, Usopp's so lost in contemplation over the open sketchpad propped in his lap that he doesn't hear the approaching thump of boots and nearly stabs himself in the calf with his pencil when a billowing shadow falls unexpectedly over him.

Zoro raises an eyebrow as the sniper hurriedly slams his book shut, sending papers fluttering in all directions, and for a few minutes, they're both busy snatching sheets of half-finished drawings from the air before they can be blown overboard.

"Damn, that's one weird-looking plant," the older pirate muses, squinting down at the polka-dot festooned, round-bodied, multi-tentacled piece of vegetation scribbled on the parchment in his hand. "From that island?"

"Yeah," Usopp mumbles, snatching the sketch and cramming it back amongst the others.

"So you're still funny about letting other people see your stuff, huh? Dunno why; you're a hell of a lot better than- oi, what's that?"

"What's- OH!" His nakama colors rather dramatically and quickly shuffles the offending page out of sight. "N-Nothing."

"C'mon, lemme see."

"It's nothing- just some stupid figure study I did for practice."

"Then why can't you show me?"

"You wouldn't like it."

"You'll never know unless I see it." Zoro's teeth bare suddenly in a sharky grin, made all the more menacing by his missing eye. "You lemme look and I won't tell Nami and Robin OR the shitty cook about your OTHER notebook- the one you threw in my locker by mistake when you were ripping the room apart looking for that socket set."

"That's blackmail!" Usopp hisses, eyes darting about to make sure that no one else, particularly the navigator, historian or - horror of horrors - Sanji himself, has wandered within ear shot. "It was just some perfectly innocent female musculature work that-"

"-you drew while spying on 'em through the bathhouse window. How the hell'd you get up there anyway?"

"... Franky wanted photos, and he promised to help me finish modifying the camera if- look, okay, fine." The younger man glances around again, then flips his sketchpad open for all of two-point-five seconds before slapping it closed again, face blazing red with embarrassment from his hairline to the scruff on his chin. "There- see, I said you wouldn't like it!"

"Gimmie that." Zoro yanks the entire book from his hands before he can shove it out of reach and stands over him, studying the drawing in silence.

"I-I'm going to go throw myself off the port-side now, if you don't mind. Tell Franky he can have the junk in my workshop, and to Chopper, I leave my-"

"Don't be stupid," the green-haired pirate snorts, pushing the sheaf of sketches back into his hand. "It's- I don't know- kinda cute in some fucked up way? You look good in a tux. Luffy- well, hell, Luffy looks great- as long as he's not grinning like an idiot."

Usopp bites his lower lip, stealing a cautious glance up at him.

"Me... eh, I guess I clean up okay too, although the whole eye thing makes me look like some kind of fucked up mercenary-for-hire."

Usopp snickers.

"And the rings are a nice touch," the swordsman continues thoughtfully. "-although-"

Usopp winces.

"-the damn swirly-brow cook should really be in a dress, right? Something blue that matches the stupid bastard's eyes."


	3. A String Of Untimely Interruptions

"Oi, any of you bros know where- whoa. Y'don't see that every d-"

"What the hell?" Zoro demands, one muscular arm tightening around Usopp's waist to deter the sniper from scrambling out of sight beneath the nearest bunk. "Ever hear of knocking?"

His free hand balls into a fist and plants itself in the blond head currently nuzzling against his captive's bare chest. "I thought you said you left a tie hanging on the doorknob, you goddamn pinwheel face."

"Shit! Ow, I did, damn it!" Sanji snarls and reaches around to punch the swordsman in the ribcage. "Cool it, shitty Marimo!"

"Oi, I said Zoro and Sanji should quit fighting," another voice calls from behind the tangled, squabbling mess of arms and legs. Luffy pops into sight over the green-haired pirate's shoulder, readjusting his grip on the older man to throw restraining arms in several loops around his other crewmates and subsequently smashing them closer together. "Hi, Franky!"

"Yo," the cyborg returns casually. "You seen Brook?"

"Oh, sure. Missed him by about five minutes. Try the kitchen- he said something about needing a cup of tea with lots of rum in it." The captain dodges a kick aimed at his face, squeezing the other men in his grasp just a bit tighter. Zoro curses. Usopp whimpers.

Franky raises an eyebrow. "Huh. Okay, thanks, Mugiwara! See you guys later."

There's a moment of silence following the click of the men's quarters' door closing behind the exiting shipwright.

"C-could somebody go lock that thing?" Usopp demands shakily. "I don't think the tie's working."

"I don't think I can move. Sencho, get your frickin' fingers out of my nose before I break 'em."

"Whoops, sorry, Zoro. Hang on a second-"

"No, shitty gomu! The other way, the other-!"

"Air! AIR!"

"If I can just- ah, there! Shishishi, sorry, guys."

"Shishishi, my ass."

"Shut up, Marimo. If you weren't built like a goddamn brick-"

"Sencho-san? Oh. Oh, my."

Four heads swivel to stare at the blinking eye and set of slightly quirked lips that have just appeared within touching distance on the back of the sofa beside them.

"Robin-chwa~!" Sanji's cry of greeting tapers off into an awkward, strangled squawk of horror as he realizes his adored historian's getting a rather telling view of him in a quite compromising position, and he promptly attempts to vanish into Usopp's lap. "I'm not here! Tell her I'm not here!"

"Hello, Sanji-san, Usopp-kun, Kenshi-san. My apologies for the interruption, but our navigator would like to inform everyone that we'll be approaching our destination within the next hour."

Luffy's eyes immediately light up as though a bonfire's ignited inside his skull.

"Oh, hell, I give up," Zoro groans, allowing his head to drop back against his captain's shoulder as the younger pirate immediately erupts into joyous exclamations about "ISLAND" and "ADVENTURE" and "SANJI, MAKE US PIRATE LUNCHBOXES!"

"I'm not here! I'm a figment of Robin-chwan's oh-so wonderful imagination!"

"ISLAND, NEW ISLAND~!"

"Oi, I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up if you guys decide we're actually DOING anything."

"Can I at least put my overalls back on? It's getting kinda chilly in here and- Zoro-kun, I can't move unless you let go of-"

"Zzz..."

_*click-click*_

"Uh- d-don't mind me. I just need to get my- uhm- doctor thing. With the round cup and the little earbud doohickies?"

"CHOPPER! NAMI SAYS WE'RE-"

"YAAAAH! STETHOSCOPE, I NEED TO GET MY SPARE STETHOSCOPE! I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IT'S IN MY LOCKER AND DON'T HUG ME WHEN YOU'RE NAKED LIKE THAT, LUFFY, IT'S WEIRD!"

"Not here, not here, not-"

"Zoro-kun~?"

"Zzz..."

Amidst the chaos and the flailing limbs and the snoring rises a soft chuckle of amusement. "I'm afraid, Sniper-kun, that privacy often tends to be a touch, ah, elusive when one is sharing living quarters with one's nakama, no matter how large the ship."


	4. Frivolous Foliage

"Oi, Usopp- the shitty cook says it's time for- WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK?"

Shoving his goggles onto his forehead, the Straw Hat's sniper whirls towards the sound of Zoro's alarmed shout to discover his nakama dangling upside-down in mid-air with his coat flapping about him, resembling nothing quite so much as a great green bat.

The swordsman's spinning in a lazy circle, cursing furiously and fumbling to draw at least one of the katana strapped to his side, but thankfully his attempts are fouled by the folds of fabric hanging over his face.

"No no no, don't hurt it!" Usopp blurts, dashing for the doorway.

"DON'T HURT IT? WHAT THE HELL IS IT?"

"A grafting experiment!" Tongue poking from the corner of his mouth, he dances on tiptoes and makes an awkward grab for the infuriated older pirate. "I was trying for a less bulky version of the Midori Boshi Akuma, but-"

His fingers snag the sleeve of one flailing arm and with a grunt of exertion, he manages to pull Zoro close enough to get a better grip on him. "-it's kind of, well, grabbier than I expected..."

"No kidding."

They're locked onto each other's forearms, straining to dislodge the vine looped snugly around the green-haired man's boot-clad ankle, when Luffy wanders into the workshop and stops dead in his tracks.

The captain tilts his head slightly to the side, observing the scene before him. He doesn't appear startled to discover his crewmate swinging about by one foot under the shadow of the gigantic potted plant sitting beside the door- just slightly perplexed... and a touch impatient? "Oi, whatcha doin'? Sanji says he won't give me any meat 'til everybody comes upstairs."

"Forget about the goddamn food-" Zoro snarls, glaring indignantly at the rubber man's petulant expression. "-and get me the fuck down from here!"

Several moments and one unfortunate collision with the floor later, the scowling swordsman's on his feet and brushing himself off, while Usopp inspects his flora for damage and Luffy casts anxious glances at the ceiling, obviously concerned that lunch will have come and gone by the time they reach the dining hall.

"Good," the sniper sighs finally, gently patting the tendril that's recoiled itself beside the creature's main mass. "I think Herby's okay."

"HERBY? You gave that thing a NAME?"

"Well, of course, I-"

"OI!" Zoro barks suddenly, swatting at a creeper that's somehow managed to sneak past them and is now nudging inquisitively along his collar.

"Hmm, I think Herby likes you." Usopp scratches thoughtfully at his goatee. "That's funny- it's grabbed tools from me a few times while I was working, but it never seemed interested in- maybe it's attracted to all the green...?"

"Maybe it thinks Zoro's another plant?" Luffy muses, joining him to watch the foliage's persistence efforts to strip their aggravated nakama of his coat.

"Sanji would probably say so."

"Huh."

"..."

"WILL YOU TWO STOP STANDING AROUND AND GET THIS BLOODY THING OFF- GAH! GET YOUR GODDAMN LEAVES OUT OF THERE!"

"Oi, Usopp?"

There's a speculative note in the captain's voice that prompts the sharpshooter to drag his eyes away from the increasingly agitated antics between Zoro and his adversary. "Yeah?"

A pause, then Luffy turns to him, eyes gleaming. "... what other kinda stuff you think that plant can do?"


	5. Contemplating The Inconceivable

Hours after the celebration finally ends and the members of both pirate crews have either retired or at least drunk themselves into mindless stupor, Sanji drapes his suit jacket over Nami's shoulders and leaves the Straw Hat's navigator slumped in her chair as he slips quietly to the other end of the cavernous room.

Usopp's fallen asleep in his chair as well, the left side of his face squashed flat against the tabletop and one hand resting lightly on Zoro's thigh, but Luffy has actually climbed up on the table itself and burrowed his way between his opposite side and arm, claiming what little space has been left unoccupied by their nakama's prone body.

"Stupid bastard," the cook mutters irritably, surveying the vast array of bandages and the deep purple shadows beneath the swordsman's closed eyes. "You didn't need to- what the hell were you-"

He bites the inside of his cheek forcefully enough to taste copper like a beli on his tongue, but he barely feels the sting of broken flesh or the dull ache in his bruised side that both seem so insignificant in light of the devastation he witnessed earlier. The rent, stained clothing and gaping wounds. All that blood- a goddamn crater full of blood and-

There's no one watching, but he can't help feeling somewhat self-conscious as he reaches down to run his fingertips through spiky green hair. "You better not die, Marimo. You-"

"In your- d-dreams, swirly-brow."

Sanji starts, nearly yanking back his hand; even though he looks like hell and there's a fresh trickle escaping the corner of his mouth where his cracked lip's split, Zoro's regarding him blearily through half-closed, swollen eyelids, and the wave of relief washing over him is so strong that his knees are threatening to buckle and it takes several moments before he's capable of speaking again.

"You better not die, you asshole. I don't wanna waste my time training another shitty swordsman."

He receives a horrible gurgling sound in response and nearly panics as the broad, gauze-swathed chest twitches and then heaves, certain that the other man's suffering some sort of convulsion, and then he realizes Zoro's laughing.

The laughter quickly dissolves into hoarse coughing that, although stifled, is forceful enough to disturb Luffy and Usopp, who stir fitfully and utter sleepy but inquiring noises as they raise themselves to peer anxiously at the older pirate lying between them.

Zoro sags back against the table, exhaustion creasing his brow, but his eyes are dancing with weary amusement at what he obviously considers Sanji's unreasonable concern and audacity for daring to suggest the crew might need to make such a substitution.

"F-Fuck you, ero-cook."


	6. Culinary Appreciation

Author's note: Written for Zoro's birthday, so of course he ended up getting his way.

xxx

"O-Oi, Zoro-kun? What do you, err, plan on doing with that?"

"Heh. Take a lucky guess."

"No, absolutely not. You take that right back to the goddamn fridge and put it back where you found- LUFFY! GET YOUR SHITTY RUBBER LIPS OFF THERE!"

"Ow! Sanji, give- OW! Zoro~!"

"Forget it; you'll eat the whole damn thing before we can use it."

"Marimo, hand that can over right now before I-"

_*psssh*_

"AIEEE, THAT'S COLD!"

"Oh. WHOOPS. Sorry, Usopp."

"... you'd look a lot sorrier if you weren't grinning like a lunati- EEK!"

"Huh- not bad."

"Oi, Zoro missed a spot- right- there. Ooh, it tastes better this way, 'cause it tastes like Usopp too."

"C'mon, cook. We're not wasting food if we eat it, right?"

"I don't know about-"

_*psssh*_

"GAH!"

There's surely an entirely plausible reason why he ought to be protesting the misuse of his last can of whipped cream, but Sanji's brain promptly tosses all logical thought out the window at the sight of the shitty swordsman and the captain gleefully tonguing the thick, sugary confection off the flustered sniper's collarbone.

Nami and Robin will just be forced to eat their slices of mikan pie without it later this evening.


	7. Dissolution

Just realized I've been sitting on this one while drafting my next piece, but like everything else, I'm behind on my 30P entries, so have some angst.

xxx

He doesn't realize the true intensity of the anger - the outright fear - boiling inside him until Chopper's sullenly packed up his medical supplies and they're walking away from the Going Merry and the silent figure sprawled on the ship's deck, his frame wreathed in bandages that flutter in the ocean breeze like ghostly ribbons.

The crew's spread out in a slow-moving, staggered line with Luffy leading the way, and although the captain's head is bowed, face hidden beneath his hat's brim, his hunched shoulders twitch periodically beneath the baggage he's carrying, and Sanji knows he's still crying.

Zoro pulls even with the cook, arms laden with several carefully bundled trees and expression unreadable, and the blond's temper spikes. He's suddenly furious with everything, from the sniper they're leaving behind to the swordsman walking beside him. He's angry with Luffy for letting Usopp push their situation to the breaking point, and he's angry with himself for not stepping in sooner, not- doing SOMETHING.

He's angry with Robin for disappearing without a good explanation and with Chopper for providing more assistance in locating her. At himself for not paying more attention and taking notice of whatever caused the historian to vanish so completely. He's even angry with Merry, and when Nami utters a faint, miserable sniffle behind him, his frustration has become so extreme that he nearly wheels around and snaps at her.

In fact, he's actually turning his head, the rebuke brimming on his lips, when a slender mikan branch abruptly slaps him in the face, leaving him with a throbbing nose and a mouthful of leaves.

"Oi, watch what you're-"

"Not now," Zoro murmurs, voice pitched low to prevent the others from hearing him.

Sanji clenches his teeth, body tensing as he shifts his weight, intending to kick the shitty swordsman square in the jaw, precious cargo of his brilliant-haired mellorine's trees or not. It's Marimo's fucking fault, anyway, spouting off all that bullshit about a captain's responsibilities; if he would have kept his goddamn mouth shut, then-

"Don't. Not in front of the crew-"

"Shut up and-"

"-not in front of Luffy."

There's an unexpected note, a tremor, in his nakama's voice that makes him cut short his retort and take a second, closer look at the former bounty hunter's face and what he sees there douses his rage like a large pitcher of ice water.

Zoro stares back, nostrils slightly flared and jaw clenched, as though daring him to say something- anything- but he merely takes a deep breath and hauls his own over-sized pack higher on his shoulders. He can't find it within himself to goad the other pirate, not when he sees his own pain and loss and concern mirrored in those narrowed, unblinking eyes.

xxx

Nami doesn't argue or even offer token protest when the two men override her request at the hotel lobby desk and demand the key to a second room. She glances back and forth between them, retrieves her bag from the floor by her feet and heads down the hallway, leaving them to their own devices.

Medical case clutched tightly between his hooves, Chopper's eyeing their captain with obvious anxiety, but Sanji shakes his head and gently nudges the doctor after their retreating navigator.

"We'll let you know when we need you."

xxx

They don't bother unpacking their belongings when they reach the other room; bundled clothing and cookware and trees alike are merely dumped inside the door before they turn their attention to the younger pirate standing quietly between them.

It's eerie, Sanji finds himself thinking as he helps Zoro wrestle the pack off Luffy's shoulders and then the begrimed, tattered clothing off his unresisting frame. He's never seen the rubber man so destitute of energy and enthusiasm; it's almost as though he's become sort of pliant, life-sized doll in their grasp.

"C'mon-" Zoro mutters, pausing momentarily to strip off his own shirt. "Help me get him in the ofuro."

Luffy's positively filthy, covered head to toe with dirt and caked with dried blood and sweat except for the patches where tears and snot have washed his face partly clean, and by the time he's even halfway presentable, they've emptied and refilled the tub twice. He doesn't help them, although he does wrap himself around his swordsman's torso and smash his face into the hollow of his collarbone, tensing periodically when the sponges brush broken skin.

The position makes him more difficult to scrub - it's already a tight fit for three people - but neither of them complain.

When they're finally done, he still won't let go of Zoro, so the older pirate carries him to the bed after a few cursory swipes with a nearby towel, and Sanji follows, ruthlessly crushing the acidic tinge of jealousy burning the back of his throat, and his determination not to take Luffy's preference personally is vindicated when the green-haired man nods pointedly at the opposite, unoccupied side of the mattress.

The cook hesitates, wondering if he should get dressed and head next door for Chopper, but the doctor's patience has apparently run dry, because moments later he comes bustling in the door they forgot to lock, grumbling and digging gauze and tape from his bag and trying very hard to retain a professional demeanor despite the blush that automatically steals across his face at the sight of his three male crewmates sprawled naked on a bed together.

A dab of disinfectant here, a poultice there, and the reindeer retreats, recovering his composure gracefully enough to threaten both Zoro and Sanji with bodily harm if they don't notify him IMMEDIATELY if the caltrop and shuriken wounds don't start showing signs of improvement before he bolts back out the door.

Like Nami earlier, they don't argue and they don't protest, turning their attention back to the rubber man curled between them as soon as they're alone again.

The silence is brittle, hanging like splintered glass all around them, and no one speaks, because there's nothing to say.

There's never been any verbal agreement made between them, beyond Luffy's insistence that they join his crew, anyway, but Usopp's departure aches like a broken promise, like the empty socket left by a lost tooth. It's as though they've discovered the slow but steady weakening of the glue binding their awkward quartet, now a trio, really, and as he and the swordsman stare wordlessly at each other over the haphazard mess of their captain's hair, Sanji wonders just how long they can hold together before it all falls apart.


	8. Unification

Direct sequel to Dissolution.

xxx

They've had several lengthy private discussions - and more than a few outright fist fights - since returning to Water Seven to mourn Merry's loss and recover from their wounds and wait for Franky to turn his extensive blueprints into reality, so Sanji bites his tongue when Zoro puts his foot down and demands that Usopp make amends before being once again accepted as a Straw Hat pirate.

Seeing their nakama's distress, particularly Nami's when the swordsman shouts at her and Chopper to shut up and listen, galls him to no end, but he maintains his silence, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, even when the green-haired pirate threatens to abandon the crew himself if Luffy doesn't stop fucking around and do his job.

He doesn't like considering that they might in fact leave the island without their sniper, but Zoro's right, and when the cook finally speaks up again to say so, there's a dull ache pervading his chest at the thought that Usopp might actually try to slip back into their midst as though nothing happened. That, he understands, would be nearly as devastating as simply never seeing the younger man again.

_I didn't- Marimo and Luffy didn't- the entire crew didn't mean enough to make him stay_.

Granted, the crew DID still mean enough to warrant his accompanying them to Enies Lobby, despite his blatant fear and albeit the use of that ridiculous disguise. That much is clear. The question now is: do any of them mean enough to the sharpshooter to warrant his willing return?

If he approaches them filled with bluster and false bravado, they may never know the truth.

xxx

There's a moment, when they're all deflecting cannon fire supplied by the captain's ridiculously powerful grandfather and Chopper's shrieking at anyone who will listen and waving hysterically towards the figure standing on the shore, when Luffy and Zoro are pretending they hear absolutely nothing, that Sanji's convinced it's over.

Their new ship, the incredible Brig Sloop with the lion-maned figurehead, is leaving Water Seven, leaving behind Galley-La, leaving behind the Marines, leaving behind-

And then Usopp finally screams what they've been waiting- hoping to hear.

Zoro, despite being the one to put up the biggest fight against the sniper's return, is the first to respond, relief and amusement evident in his voice and in the grin baring his teeth.

Luffy is wide-eyed and trembling slightly, as though there's a faint electrical current humming beneath his skin, and Sanji nearly bites his cigarette in half, tension wiring his jaw shut as a silent plea echoes inside his skull, and then he nearly swallows the damn thing whole when the rubber man bursts into horrible, messy tears and flings out his arm to bridge the distance between land and sea.

Nami is laughing and Robin is smiling and there's cannon balls crashing down all around them and Chopper and Franky are cheering and Luffy's leaking snot all over the front of his tanktop and it's a wonder Usopp doesn't knock half of them overboard when he comes flying onto the deck, groping blindly in his attempts to throw his arms around everyone because he's blinded by his own tears.

xxx

The captain insists on celebrating late into the night, so everyone but Zoro's pretty loopy when they stagger off to their new quarters. Granted, the swordsman's a little fuzzy around the edges, having put away a rather significant amount of alcohol on his own, but he's still coherent enough to recognize that Chopper and Franky just might prefer spending the night outdoors. Even if the lot inside's too well-soused to navigate buttons and snaps and zippers at the moment, tomorrow morning - correction, later this morning, seeing as how it's already past midnight - might be a different story.

If they're not all suffering from the mother of hangovers, that is.

When he returns, leaving the inebriated doctor explaining a few necessary details to the puzzled shipwright on the grass outside, he finds Sanji and Luffy squabbling drunkenly over an equally tipsy Usopp, all three of them crammed into one of the lower bunk hammocks.

The swordsman snorts at the sight, pries the dazed sniper out from between them and collapses backwards onto the nearest couch, pulling Usopp down with him. "You better be worth all the trouble you put us through."

"Nnn be mean," the younger pirate drawls against his chest, regarding him sagely through bleary eyes. "Said I was sorry."

"Yeah, you- OOF!" Zoro grunts as Luffy scrambles onto them over the back of the sofa, elbowing him in the gut. "Damn it, Sencho, watch what the hell you're doing, huh?"

"He mistook your shitty head for a couch cushion," Sanji mutters, slurring only slightly. He drops down beside them, smirking slightly as he deliberately plants his ass on the green-haired pirate's shins, producing another curse, and then flops over so he's draped over his fellow nakama.

"-gonna mistake your face for a dartboard," comes the gruff answer, but Zoro doesn't budge from where he's sprawled beneath the three of them, just wriggles around a bit to make himself more comfortable and delivers an affectionate cuff to the ear of the captain now drooling on his collarbone, and the cook doesn't need an explanation for his reluctance to move.

They're all where they belong- every one of them.


	9. You're Blowing My Concentration EXPLICIT

Worst title ever, but I refuse to apologize. It's too punny.

xxx

"N-Nine-hundred-ninety-one-"

"Come on, Marimo, you're almost there, one way or another," Sanji purrs, flexing his spread toes and grinning evilly as his green-haired namaka's next bench press falters, the barbell wavering slightly in his grasp and "nine-hundred-ninety-two" emerging as nothing more than a low "nnngh-guh-uhn" of weak protest.

"That one doesn't count; Zoro gotta do it over!" Luffy remarks smugly, wiping saliva from his chin with his forearm as he backs off long enough to let Usopp take a turn.

"Bunch of bastards, I'm gonna-" The swordsman's face contorts, his one visible eye rolling back slightly as the second warm, wet mouth closes around his cock and the bare foot resting on the padded surface beneath his thighs kneads a bit more forcefully against his balls. "-k-kill all three of-"

"Be nice, shithead, or we'll leave you here like this."

"Asshole. Nine-hundred-ninety-two. Nine-hundred-ninety-"

"Oi, shitty gomu, quit jacking off and give Usopp a hand."

"-four."

"I can't help it- I like watching!" The captain protests goodnaturedly. He nudges the sniper back a bit and dives back into the fray, sandwiching Zoro's erection between their mouths and prompting another breathlessly furious exclamation as the pressure renders the older pirate unable to fully articulate "nine-hundred-ninety-six" and leaves Sanji laughing so hard that he nearly loses his balance and only narrowly avoids falling over backwards.

"F-Fucking assh-nnngh!" Biceps strain, twitching, as the exercise weight wobbles dangerously in mid-air before its owner manages to secure a tighter grip and starts hoisting it and counting in rapid succession. "Nine-hundred-ninety-six! Nine-h-hundred-ninety-seven! N-Nine-hundred-n-ninety-eight!"

Luffy and Usopp exchange a glance and devious grins before increasing their own paces, hands sliding outward to rake blunt nails across trembling thighs and rigid abdominal muscles.

"N-N-Nine-h-hundred-n-ninety-nine..."

Sanji gives his toes an exaggerated wiggle, raising his eyebrow. "I'm impressed- I think he's actually going to beat-"

"One-One-" He's staring down past his sweat-streaked torso at them instead of focusing on the barbell, and that proves his undoing, because in a last ditch effort to counter his determination to maintain what's left of his composure, his crewmates have started- they're fucking KISSING each other around his cock in their mouths, all slick dueling tongues and low groans of satisfaction, and finishing his routine is suddenly the least important thing in the world right now.

There's a series of fantastic crashes as the weight collides with the Adam wood wall on the opposite side of the crow's nest, then rolls across the floor and falls straight through the aperture leading to the lawn deck below, taking the hatch door with it, and several yelps of surprise and an outburst of cursing from one infuriated shipwright.

The commotion's largely ignored by the gym's occupants as three laughing, cheering nakama speed around the room, pursued by the fourth, who's struggling valiantly to catch up long enough to strangle them with his bare hands despite the trousers bunched around his ankles.


	10. Little Miss Muffet

Just realized I hadn't posted this one here yet. Sequel to "You're Blowing My Concentration."

xxx

Standing on the deck outside the dining hall with his arms crossed over his chest, shoulder slumped slightly against the wall beside him, Zoro's torn between bursting into laughter and just plain booting the quavering cook straight through the doorway, phobias be damned.

For once, breakfast is late, unfashionably late, and any moment Luffy's going to give up his whining and start actually gnawing on somebody, and there's a very good likelihood that person will end up being the swordsman himself.

"Y'know, the girls are probably gonna show up soon, swirly-brow," he reminds Sanji, unable to hide a grin of amusement at the expression of desperation, hate and chagrin that immediately flashes across the blond's face at the thought that his precious ladies might not only find him shivering on the doorstep of his own kitchen with a certain one-eyed, green-haired bastard laughing at him but might also be forced to languish in their quarters until the damned arachnid vacates the premises.

He's certainly not going in there to remove it himself- isn't setting ONE FOOT inside that room until it's gone- and Usopp's nowhere in sight- is busy helping Franky with some early morning project and therefore notably absent and not likely to save, err, lend him a hand. Luffy's too distracted by the absence of food to pay attention to the real issue here. And Zoro's having too much fun watching him squirm to suggest that their captain bat down the bloody cobweb that's appeared stretched between the oven doors and countertop sometime overnight.

To Sanji's over-imaginative mind, the expanse of the gossamer strands suggests one of two things: a spider that's fucking gigantic, or a spider capable of pole-vaulting across half the ship. If he summons the nerve to walk in there and unintentionally disturbs it before he's got the chance to smash it flat, it might take one enormous shitty flying leap and end up almost anywhere. He's fairly confident that his Diable Jambe Frying Pan attack would burn the beast to cinders before it touched him, but-

ANYWHERE.

He shudders.

"Zoro~" Luffy keens, poking the swordsman's ribcage with enthusiasm and peering up at him with enormous, agony-filled eyes. "I'm STARVING. When's breakfast going to be ready~?"

"Dunno. Guess that's up to the cook." The older pirate's grin widens even further as he dodges the heel lashing out at his nose. "You hear that, shitty cook? The captain wants to know when we're gonna eat."

"Damn it, Marimo, you're such an asshole," Sanji grumbles under his breath as he lights a cigarette with hands that aren't trembling one bit, no, they're certainly not.

"Shoulda thought twice before you talked those two into interrupting my training session."

"Pfft, whatever. You should be thanking me; you know you enjoyed-"

They both wince as Luffy flings himself full-length on the deck with a dying groan of exasperation and begins rolling back and forth, bumping into their ankles and nearly pulling Zoro off his feet when he grabs a handful of his coat and starts tugging repeatedly on it, punctuating each tug by chanting "food, food, food" as he goes.

"You know he's only gonna get worse, the longer you make him wait."

"Shit." The cook taps ash from his cigarette, debating, and then favors his nakama with a thoughtful look. "Maybe-"

He grits his teeth, mentally cursing his crewmate, the spider. "If you get that blasted thing out of my kitchen, you can-"

The rest comes out in a torrent of words that Zoro pretends to misunderstand and asks him to repeat, even though the shitty bastard obviously heard him perfectly clear the first time, considering the enormous smirk that's overtaken his face.

"I said-"

The swordsman tilts his head, considering- PRETENDING to consider the offer long enough to make Sanji start thinking that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all, and then he stoops to haul Luffy off the Adam wood planks by the scruff and brushes past the agitated cook.

"Just this once, you got yourself a deal. C'mon, Sencho- we've gotta save Mister Princess here from the big horrible bug that's trying to take over his precious kitchen."


End file.
